downloading ….

Wow, can’t believe we are already halfway through the second week of the year – only 50 more weeks to go until i can set new years resolutions – ijoke.

Not going to lie, it’s been a hot minute since I got behind the screen to type out something meaningful and useful for the world wide web. Nearing the end of 2016 I took a complete hiatus from social media (ok, minus Youtube – that’s a learning tool, right?) in the hopes to experience life as it should be, through experience rather than vicariously through a screen.

I’m still on the search for who I am, and I realized that by living this vicarious hermit lifestyle, I was becoming more envious and more jealous of my friends and family (and complete strangers..) for the perfect, joyous, loving, experience filled lifestyles they were forever posting across the social media platforms.

Logically, I’m aware we only tend to post the good shit, and forget to mention the horrible unfulfilling feeling we hold deep in our hearts, especially when that photo you thought was hotshit, ended up with only 2 likes. eek. but logic doesn’t seem to stick well especially when the consistency of perfection is constantly bombarding our screens. I have since taken up reading more blogs, and watching vlogs on self improvement, and self awareness.

A couple of my favourite websites have been:

High Existence – A site dedicated to smashing the status quo of life, time, thought and process. that’s my interpretation of the site anyway.  They speak a little bit about psychedelics and the way they are used to open the mind, of meditation, and of various (fucking intense) experiences of various retreats all with open minded, honest to hell reviews, and one that I read last night was on the benefits of taking a cold shower – something I would NOT do under any circumstances because I fear discomfort. (read the article, it’ll make sense.. hahaa)

I Heart Intelligence – Another self development site I have been scrolling for a few years now. It’s more of a site that gives you understanding about humans as a whole, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The articles like High Existence open your eyes, to the world around you on a different level, and you begin to see experiences in your life for what they are.

I had this super high expectation that once I switched off the screens to social media, my life would (super) dramatically improve. I would go out and experience everything to the fullest, and have new opportunities to travel, see new places, and experience the greatest fulfillment any human could possibly imagine, but it didn’t happen anything like that.

My bed(room) was/is still my safe haven, only venturing outside the four wall prison to fetch food, walk and feed my fur-baby, or shower. I was still a hermit, hoping the universe would hear my silent cries and desires for something more, yet refused to actually get off my ass to seek the adventure I so desperately crave.

There have even been moments of strife in my relationship, due to my epic laziness. I wholeheartedly expect my partner to motive, inspire, plan, and execute the perfect adventures, without me having to lift a single finger or strain a single brain cell. My expectation of “adventure” is so ridiculously high and utterly vague, everything he did plan and execute for us/me was never good enough. I was/am completely (in all sense of the word) insatiable. Yet claim to be easy going… contradict me much?

After writing that, I realized I have a strong desire, and a yearning for something more, but more of what? Probably not more food, since I recently looked in the mirror, and realized I probably should do more situps, and run a bit more, but eliminating food from my equation, I’m left with 100 million more options, some of which I don’t even know the names of, or that they even exist. This is where the struggle begins, what do I want..


I feel like this GIF is so relevant to my current situation. Knowing what you want has to be the hardest decision to make, especially when there are so many options available in this vast world we occupy. Having Ryan Gosling screaming “what.. do you want?” would certainly be a shell shocker, but I think we all need a bit of a shock sometimes, a jolt to the system. I certainly know I need this, and it’s about time, I be my own Ryan Gosling, and ask myself WHAT.. DO.. YOU.. WANT?????

This year has gotten off to a slow start, so in the quest to find out what I want, I must first take a seat by my self, and reflect on a few things:

  • The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (Memories)

    • The memories I hold from “The good old times” will help me focus on what I want more of in my life. What were the things I was doing that made me happy, whom was I with, and what events or situations occurred that made me look back and think – “ah that was a good time!” – given that some of those situations probably included mind altering substances, I will need to look beyond the fuzzies and determine what was it that made ‘this’ a good memory.
    • The Bad, and the downright ugly memories I hold are definitely a focal point in my mind, and the default setting when things get rough. By remembering these and realizing what it was that made them horrible; my actions, my words, or the build up to the situation will serve as a lesson, and reminder of what to avoid, or what doesn’t work in said situation.
  • My Core Values

    • I’ve always been an honest and loyal person, which are two values I hold close to my heart but understanding what other values I hold will help with making decisions easier. Having clear values shapes the person you are, and determines your response to the world, by establishing what my true values are will give me the destination I need when determining what goals I want to achieve.  I’m not sure where I read it, but I’ve read/watched/heard something like:

When choices arise you need to be able to make a clear cut decision – give a solid yes, or no answer – Like a vegetarian, when offered a piece of steak, they would say “No – thank you”, (hopefully) I do not eat meat. They don’t say “oh maybe just today” or “it’s Christmas day, I’ll have a slice of Turkey, it’s only a one off” – The clear and concise No,  defines and confirms who they are and what they believe in; it would go against their core value and the identity of being a vegetarian to have a one off meat day.

  • Goals

    • We all have goals, some of us (ahem – yes me) have them floating around in mid-air (or the world wide web – In this case) hoping, praying and wishing for the universe to deliver the end result on a glistening silver platter – but unfortunately that doesn’t happen. (Sorry to bare bad news) By remembering the Good times, and assessing my values I ‘should’ be able to set some solid goals that I will actually want to work toward, considering they are based on good times remembered, and values I hold close to my heart.

As with anything, it’s relatively easy to talk the talk, but walking the walk is a whole ‘nother level of activity, that just doesn’t seem to come as easy. In this search for myself, and having my life in a ‘downloading’ process, I am determined to get started and work towards a positive and uplifting, successful tomorrow.

If you are currently still on the ‘downloading…’ process of finding yourself, all I can say is don’t be too hard on yourself, take it one step (one day) at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Keep in mind, don’t set extraordinary expectations if you’re only willing to preform ordinary (or no) actions – be kind, be gentle. It’s all a learning curve at the end of the day, give each day a little extra, and make it extraordinary.


As my first post of 2017, I thought I’d share something actually useful, and along the general lines of “New Years Resolutions”. Although I am not setting up self up for failure this year, I am definitely going to be more focused on achieving ‘something’ this year. The ‘something’ is still downloading.. 😛

Both sites mentioned above have been great tools for getting through some awkward patches in life, and opening my mind to a different level of understanding – trust me, it can be a good thing, and bad (especially when dealing with self-absorbed idiots…) Ultimately these are a few of the blogs that inspire me to write. It definitely serves as a therapeutic remedy, as well as exerting my need to share information, and help others.

I’m very grateful to have the use of the world wide web to research, explore and share ideas, meanings, and anything else USEFUL.

I hope the first days of 2017 have been amazing for you, and the year continues to be inspiring, motivating, and uplifting. 2017 is the year of newness, growth, and possibility. Give everyday the energy as if it was your last – Happy 2017!!

Until next time,


Keirryn ♥

disclaimer: as usual all opinions and views are from my own crazy mind – I have no association with either site mentioned (iwishidid). If you suffer with depression and or anxiety in any form, please seek medical advice before trying anything alternative, I am not a health professional of any kind, just a lazy bitch that experiences the extremes of mental health. as with anything on the internet you should take it with a grain of salt, and seek professional advice before trying.

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